Top 10 Songs About Imaginary Creatures
Don Jamieson is a guest contributor to Loudwire. He is the co-host of That Metal Show, which airs Saturday nights at 9PM ET on VH1 Classic. You can also catch Jamieson on the stand-up comedy circuit. Keep up with him at his official website or his Twitter page. Please note that Don Jamieson’s opinions do not necessarily reflect those of Loudwire. Check out his list of the Top 10 Songs About Imaginary Creatures:
Remember those nights when you were a kid? You’re in bed, it’s storming outside and you’re hiding under the covers terrified that some evil creature might creep into your room and snatch you away. The fear of the unknown has you more paranoid than three-day crack binge (or so I’ve heard)? Well those imaginary intruders don’t scare us anymore but they do make for great characters in our favorite hard rock and metal tunes. Check out these Top 10 Songs About Imaginary Creatures.
“The Bell Witch”
What is it: Apparition that haunts an innocent Southern family.
Lyrical Warning: “Goodnight John, see you in Hell / Say bye, bye to Daddy, Betsy…”
King Diamond has written lots of groovy ghost stories for us over the years but my personal favorite is about this witchy entity from Tennessee. Because if there’s anything scarier than an evil, murderous witch, it’s an evil, murderous redneck witch.
What is it: Oderus’ sodomitic alter-ego
Lyrical Warning: “Here’s a little something from a God to a slave / I should’ve never been let out of a microwave…”
The relentlessly creative scumdog that was Dave Brockie (aka Oderus Urungus) is in top maggot-ingesting form on this one. Listening to this symphony of sleaze will help you get in touch with your drunken-perverted-junkie-sodomizing side. I think it’s safe to say there’s a little Salaminizer in all of us. R.I.P. DB.
“Circle of Cysquatch”
What is it: Half-Cyclops, Half-Sasquatch
Lyrical Warning: “A race of one-eyed beings, all feared and shunned…”
Imagine being surrounded by a horde of giant, hairy, one-eyed monsters hungry for human blood. Got it? Now you know what it’s like for bands to sit in meetings with record company executives.
What is it: The Lord of the Wings
Lyrical Warning: “A thousand years I roamed the plains and waved the hand of doom…”
A foreboding fable from The Last Command album. This mysterious entity, known as the Widowmaker, has brought more sorrow and misery to the Earth than the last Maroon 5 tour.
What is it: A mountain teeming with one-eyed war-mongering monstrosities.
Lyrical Warning: “One great big eye has a focus in your direction, now the battle is on…”
Not only one of the heaviest songs ever recorded by this royal foursome but also one of the weirdest. Freddie’s ogre-like screams and Brian’s battle-like guitar combine for an all-out Ogre assault. Back when ogre’s were large, hideous, man-eating monsters, not today’s Shrek-like ogres who are harmless, adorable and green.
What is it: “King of the Monsters,” “Gojira”
Lyrical Warning: “Oh no there goes Tokyo / Go, go Godzilla…”
While they certainly didn’t create this giant Japanese dinosaur-lizard on their own, they definitely wrote a killer song about him in 1977. Years later Anvil wrote the natural sequel, “Mothra.” Sadly nobody has been able to complete the trilogy by writing a kick-ass rocker called “Rodan.”
“The Thing That Should Not Be”
What is it: Hunter of the Shadows
Lyrical Warning: ”Fearless wretch, insanity / He watches lurking beneath the sea…”
For most Metallica fans, the thing that should not be is Reload. But in this Master classic, don’t dare make a sound lest you awaken this underwater terror. Whenever I hear this song I want to shout, “Release the Kraken!”
What is it: The outstretched grasping hand.
Lyrical Warning: “Two thousand years of misery / Of torture in my name…”
The term “Orgasmatron” was actually coined in the Woody Allen film, Sleeper to represent an electromechanical device capable of triggering an orgasm-like sensation. In this Kilmister klassic, the Orgasmatron represents the inherent evil in religion, politics and war. How that would trigger an orgasmic sensation I have no idea. Unless you masturbate to the History Channel. Just me?
What is it: Rejected man turned to steel
Lyrical Warning: “Vengeance from the grave / Kill the people he once saved…”
In light of new episodes of the reality show The Osbournes (which I will utterly ignore) I’m thrilled to include this on my list. I’d much rather think of Ozzy as Iron Man … not a man ironing.
“The Sentinel” and Many More
“The Sentinel,” “Nightcrawler,” “Jugulator,” “Green Manalishi,” “Sinner,” “Exciter,” “Painkiller,” “Lochness,” “Invader,” “Grinder,” “Starbreaker,” “Demonizer,” “Hellrider” etc. All hail the kings of scary, fictitious creatures, the mighty metal gods themselves, Judas Priest. Rob Halford’s imagination has been “running wild” for decades bringing us so many of these creature classics. His brain has spawned more creepy monsters than the Baldwin family.