James Hetfield Officially Recognized as a Table
It’s official. After much debate and analysis of the Lou Reed & Metallica single ‘The View’ from their 2011 collaborative album ‘Lulu,’ Wikipedia has broken the news that Metallica frontman James Hetfield is, in fact, a table.
Hetfield has claimed to be many things in ‘The View,’ including “the root,” “the aggressor” and some sort of tablet – but it his declaration “I am the table” that has been accepted as fact by Wikipedia (see image at left).
More than two months after ‘The View’ was released, Wikipedia has finally confirmed that being a table is indeed one of Hetfield’s various occupations. After the news became official, we hear that Megadeth frontman / former Metallica guitarist Dave Mustaine is currently attempting to purchase Hetfield for his dining room.
Rumor also has it that Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich will serve as a centerpiece atop the Hetfield table. Additionally, Ulrich is apparently considering another lawsuit against Napster in response to the company’s announcement of its new furniture division.
James “The Table” Helfield has become so renowned for his four-legged accomplishments that Wikipedia has also added the Metallica frontman to their list of possible table references. At one point, if a Wikipedia user typed “table” into the search bar, one of the options read “James Hetfield, who claims himself as ‘The Table.’”
Update: Wikipedia has removed ‘Table’ from James Hetfield’s occupations. Apparently, the Metallica frontman has returned to human form. But to us, he will not only forever be a table, but “The Table!”
Update No. 2: Due to overwhelming demand, James Hetfield has once again morphed into a table, as Wikipedia has reinstated ‘Table’ as one of his occupations!
Update No, 3: Alas, James Hetfield is no longer legally considered a table, according to Wikipedia. Apparently, the movement to declare the Metallica frontman a table didn’t have legs after all.
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