First off, as part of the metal media, Loudwire would like to apologize to Randy Blythe for reporting on him burning his private parts while driving his vehicle with a hot cup of coffee between his legs.

While that's not necessarily "news," the Lamb of God frontman's initial post on his Instagram page was written with such clarity and conviction that we were compelled to write about the incident. Eh, who are we kidding, we just wanted to use the pun "As the Phalluses Burn."

After seeing how extensively the incident was covered by the "metal 'news' sites," Blythe offered an update on his condition along with a video of him wiping out on a surfboard. We're happy to report that Blythe's man unit is "100 percent recovered." Read Blythe's entire Instagram post below:

I never thought I would ever be writing something like this, but here is an update on the condition of my penis: HE IS 100% RECOVERED & FULLY FUNCTIONAL, COMPLETELY CAPABLE OF PERFORMING ANY OF HIS NORMAL DUTIES. No scarring, so scabbing, no PTSD. He's good to go. I suppose it took a while (like a week) for the metal "news" sites to pick up this obviously very important story in the world of heavy metal, but they did (I guess they will run anything, or it must be a slow week- I wrote that story here just to give y'all a few laughs- damn, all I did was dump hot coffee on my unit- I'm sure it happens to someone everyday). Now I am getting texts from my friends saying things like "Ouch! Are you ok?" or "I'm really, really, sorry about The Captain, dude"- while the sudden outpouring of concern for the welfare of my penis is heartwarming indeed (it brings a tear to my eye, it really does), it's not like someone tried to chop him off or he suddenly developed the ability to do calculus or something- now THAT would have been worthy of the news. Anyways, with penises, just as with all things in life, that which does not kill us only makes us stronger. This video is from just two days ago, well after the scalding incident in question- I ask you, my friends- is this the wipe out of a man not in full command of his penis? Would a man suffering the agony of penile distress have the presence of mind to wave goodbye to the camera so gracefully? NO, HE WOULD NOT. My dude was a little sore for two days- that's it. Ok, that's enough about my penis- I shall never mention him here again. (ps- I am VERY careful with coffee in the car now, always using the cup holder)

Glad to hear everything's alright, Randy. We promise not to report on your private parts again, unless they form a side project or announce a tour.