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Maynard James Keenan Offers Advice for the Apocalypse in New Editorial Column

Maynard James Keenan
Charley Gallay, Getty Images

As we reported a few days ago, Tool, A Perfect Circle and Puscifer singer Maynard James Keenan has signed a deal with the Phoenix New Times to write a bi-weekly column for the newspaper. Now, Keenan has jumped into his role as a gonzo journalist, as the Phoenix New Times has published the first textual offering from the prolific creator.

These Are The “End of Days“‘ is the title of Keenan’s first written piece, going into detail about his winemaking, his admitted identity as a “Chicken Little-type person,” and offering advice to those who believe in the Mayan calendar’s promise of a 2012 apocalypse.

Keenan writes, “The inherent problem with being a Chicken Little-type person is that if or when the sky ever falls, I’ll be too flattened to snip “See? I told ya so!” And although I live near Sedona, I possess no crystal ball, and any Tarot cards I may have owned have certainly all been shredded in the spokes of my long retired banana seat Huffy.”

Keenan continues to proposition those who believe that we are, in fact, in the end of days. “These are in fact the ‘End of Days’ and people need to know about it As Soon As Possible! Obviously the only rational thing to do is to clear out all of your bank accounts and send me a cashier’s check for the full amount … along with that cashiers check, I’m gonna need [for] you to go ahead and send along a detailed list of all your assets, toys, deeds, to any real estate, patents pending, etc. Please include high resolution photos. I can’t be bothered to Google image each and every one of them. Not enough time.”

Check out the full article from Maynard James Keenan’s bi-weekly column by clicking here, and stay tuned for more cerebral gold from one of modern music’s most celebrated minds.

Next: Tool in Loudwire's Top 21st Century Metal Songs

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