Don Jamieson is a guest contributor to Loudwire. He is the co-host of That Metal Show, which airs Saturday nights at 9PM ET on VH1 Classic. You can also catch Jamieson on the stand-up comedy circuit. Keep up with him at his official website or his Twitter page. Please note that Don Jamieson's opinions do not necessarily reflect those of Loudwire. Check out his list of the Top 10 Songs About the World's Oldest Profession!
I was talking to Charlie Sheen and Heidi Fleiss the other day and somehow the topic of prostitution came up in our conversation. Go figure. So that got me thinking about a few things -- Number one, I wonder how many hard rock and metal songs there are about the world’s oldest profession. And number two, how soon until a couple of Charlie’s goddesses come over so I can bust out some mulejuice with this list???
Lots of band's careers start with them having to “pay to play” at various nightclubs. Later on, when they’re raking in the dough, they can afford to “pay to play” in a whole different way. So check out this list of Top 10 Songs About the World's Oldest Profession.
"Charlotte the Harlot"Iron Maiden
Lady Of The Night: Charlotte
Lyrical Vice: “You charge them a fiver, it’s only for starters and ten the main course…”
For one woman to make this list not just once, but twice, (see No. 1) is quite the whoring achievement. In this song, Charlotte is such a dirty girl that her “draws are off-color too.” Still, she's a much more preferable alternative to Good Charlotte.
Lady Of The Night: Rosie from Baltimore
Lyrical Vice: “Dollar for her drink, dollar for her honey, burnin’ a hole gonna spend my girl money…”
I’ve gotten my Kix in the great state of Maryland many times. But the only Rosie I ever had sex with in Baltimore was Rosie Palm and her five sisters. And it didn’t even cost me a dollar -- just a hotel room a little hand lotion.
"Lady Red Light"Great White
Lady Of The Night: Lady Red Light
Lyrical Vice: “In a hotel room I remember the way, how we do what we do…”
This ditty of debauchery almost makes a life of vice seem glamorous. In reality, it’s probably just better to go home alone and Jack your Russell.
Lyrical Vice: “Now she’s working on the street, shake them poor boys down…”
This tale of a good girl gone bad is almost as sad to some as hearing Eddie Van Halen playing keyboards on a Van Halen record.
"Prostitute"Zodiac Mindwarp and the Love Reaction
Lady Of The Night: Prostitute
Lyrical Vice: “Desecrating love on dirty sheets, feeds my demons stolen sweets…”
From One More Knife, an album that’s harder to find than a hooker you’d want to have unprotected sex with, this tale is of a young woman who sells her soul and dignity for money -- and it’s not even about a Kardashian.
Lyrical Vice: “The powers are within her, as she takes off her clothes…”
An early classic from Gene Simmons, who has always believed that when it comes to women, it’s quantity over quality. The Demon claims to have slept with over 5000 women. Unfortunately, 4900 of them likely resembled Honey Boo Boo’s mama.
"Dirty Women"Black Sabbath
Lady Of The Night: Take away women
Lyrical Vice: “The neon lights are shining on me again / I walk the lonely streets in search of a friend…”
My favorite Ozzy story is when he was performing in Japan and he brought a “dirty woman” back to his hotel after the show... totally forgetting that his wife Sharon was with him on the trip and waiting in their room. An honest mistake ... if you’re the Prince of Darkness.
"What You Do for Money Honey"AC/DC
Lyrical Vice: “You’re workin’ in bars, ridin’ in cars, never gonna give it for free…”
While frontman Brian Johnson wonders, “What do you do for money honey?” drummer Phil Rudd wonders, “What will you do for money honey?" as documented in the troubled musician's many escapades with women for hire.
Lyrical Vice: “But soon she found her mother’s love for all the others, the pushers and the shovers was the life to lead…”
Having a mother that’s a prostitute has got to be one of the most difficult things a child can learn about a parent. Almost as traumatic, in fact, as finding out Steven Tyler was going to be a judge on American Idol.
"22 Acacia Avenue"Iron Maiden
Lady Of The Night: Charlotte
Lyrical Vice: “When you entertain your men don’t you know the risk of getting disease…”
Catch something from Charlotte and you’ll be dancing around wildly like Janick Gers. At this point in Charlotte’s tragic life, practicing the world’s oldest profession, even Maiden’s mascot Eddie wouldn’t give her the lil' Trooper.