Don Jamieson is a guest contributor to Loudwire. He is the co-host of That Metal Show, which recently completed its 14th season on VH1 Classic. You can also catch Jamieson on the stand-up comedy circuit. Keep up with him at his official website or his Twitter page. Please note that Don Jamieson’s opinions do not necessarily reflect those of Loudwire. Check out his picks for the Top 10 Songs About Groupies below:
Bands and groupies go hand in hand like Courtney Love and crazy. Every musician who ever picked up an instrument did it for one reason … to instantly attract sex partners. You could look like an extra from The Walking Dead but the minute you pick up a guitar, you’re Joe Freakin’ Perry.
When I was a teenager, I played guitar in bands and even then it worked. My senior year cooking teacher made a pass at me on a school trip once (it’s not a crime if the teacher is hot). Why I decided to become a comedian I have no idea. I guess I wasn’t into splitting the money four ways and lugging equipment. It’s a lot easier to keep all the money and just carry my dick jokes in my pocket. Unfortunately the only comedy groupies I get have man boobs. So with that in mind, here are my top 10 songs dedicated to those special ladies that will do anything (and anyone) to nab that backstage pass.
"We Got Your Rock"Frehley's Comet
Backstage Passage: “You got a backstage pass and a nice little ass and you say you wanna take me home…”
One of my favorite ‘That Metal Show’ appearances was when the Space Ace himself unveiled his newest musical invention -- the smoking flute. But to be honest, I’d rather hear stories about how groupies smoked his flute. And which ones swallowed the music.
Album: On Through the Night
Backstage Passage: “In her red satin dress and her high-heeled shows she took us all by surprise…”
When a young Def Leppard was conquering stages worldwide with their Union Jack shirts and high-powered hits, they had a room under the stage where band members could bring girls during the solos. Now instead of condoms and sex toys under the stage they have juicers and ab rollers. As Bobby Dylan once said, “The times they are-a changing.“
Backstage Passage: “I took my baby to see a heavy band but I never saw my baby ‘till the encore…”
The classic rock ‘n’ roll dilemma: your chick wants to go backstage and meet the band but they don’t want YOU back there.
"Sex and Outrage"Motorhead
Backstage Passage: “Just me and you, teenage, backstage, sex and outrage…”
Let’s face it, Lemmy will never be mistaken for a young Kip Winger but his face has been between more strippers’ thighs than George Washington’s.
Backstage Passage: “Take it easy, life goes on my little backstage queen…”
Little known fact: The German word for groupie is…groupie. Lucky Scorpions! Danke Don. Bitte.
Backstage Passage: “I saw you standing down by the stage, your black stockings and your see-through dress…”
This Graham Bonnett-era classic makes me yearn for the days when Ritchie Blackmore was a rock guitar god and Rainbow was still rising. Nowadays, unfortunately, he can be found strumming minstrel songs and prancing in the woods with the nymphs.
Backstage Passage: “Through the circus of the LA queens, how fast you learn the downhill side…”
This song is strictly about groupies and how young some of them start and NOT a song about how women feel after a few drinks with Bill Cosby.
"Once Bitten, Twice Shy"Great White
Backstage Passage: “You didn’t know what rock n roll was until you met my drummer on a grey tour bus…”
Yeah I know it’s an Ian Hunter cover but this version of the song and accompanying video took MTV by storm and no doubt lead to a Great White groupie feeding frenzy. Don’t let the tour bus door hit ya where the good Lord split ya.
Backstage Passage: “The plaster’s getting harder and my love is perfection, a token of my love for her collection…”
Mean Gene's inspiration for this song was Cynthia Plaster Caster, a groupie who took plaster molds of rock star’s penises. Had she done it to Gene, he no doubt would’ve slapped a KISS logo on it and sold replicas of it at KissOnline.com.
"We're an American Band"Grand Funk Railroad / Rob Zombie
Album: We’re An American Band
Backstage Passage: “Sweet, sweet Connie doin’ her act, she had the whole show and that’s a natural fact…”
Sweet Connie is the most famous of all rock ‘n’ roll groupies and was known for her exceptional oral delights. Put it this way, she’s had more rock stars inside her than Madison Square Garden. This Rob Zombie version paints a fresh coat on an old classic.