Don Jamieson is a guest contributor to Loudwire. He is the co-host of That Metal Show, which airs Saturday nights at 9PM ET on VH1 Classic. You can also catch Jamieson on the stand-up comedy circuit. Keep up with him at his official website or his Twitter page. Please note that Don Jamieson’s opinions do not necessarily reflect those of Loudwire. Check out his list of the Top 10 Songs About Self-Love:
May is International Masturbation Month so as an early bonus, here are some of the hard and heavy classics about getting hard ... and then taking matters into your own hands. We’re all adults here right? Believe me, a “selfie” means something totally different in my house. With inspiration only a mouse click away, pleasuring oneself is healthy, safe and a great way to relax. Unless you’re in the Apple Store at the time (or so a friend told me).
Believe it or not, Billy Squier’s "The Stroke" is not about self-love but the music business. And Faith No More’s "Jizzlobber" is actually about Mike Patton’s fear of going to jail. Still I always loved how much he always embraced his inner chronic masturbator.
Yes, it was pretty stiff competition but in my opinion, these masturbatory masterpieces about self-love are the crème de la cum.
Masturbation Inspiration: Dreaming about sex, all day
Wanking Words: “So I dream and stroke it harder cause it’s so fun to see my face staring back at me…”
No it isn’t about a popular brand of sneakers, hence the periods. Which, coincidentally, is when you are usually masturbating.
Masturbation Inspiration: My geni-thrall
Wanking Words: “Go to the head of the class as I madly stroke my flaccid shaft…”
The thought of late GWAR frontman Oderus Urungus grasping his throbbing root and unleashing his alien seed isn’t exactly titillating. Unless you’ve got an intergalactic masturbation porn fetish.
"Christian Woman"Type O Negative
Masturbation Inspiration: J.C, Corpus Christi
Wanking Words: “All through mass manual stimulation, salvation…”
The chick in this song is totally turned on by religion. Whenever she thinks of her savior her hands go down between her thighs. Much like millions of goth girls with the Peter Steele ‘Playgirl’ issue.
Masturbation Inspiration: Boredom
Wanking Words: “When masturbation’s lost it’s fun you’re f---ing lonely…”
A song about a dude who sits around all day smoking dope and masturbating. Either way, he always had a joint in his hand. Released long before they became the non-masturbatory, Broadway-friendly Green Day.
"One Time for Me"Reverend Horton Heat
Masturbation Inspiration: Heart full of lust
Wanking Words: “You got your toy you got to use it, use it, use it cause you’re driving me mad…”
Sure the Rev knows how to use his ‘Wiggle Stick’ but once and a while he likes to sit back and have someone put on a show for him. Making psychobilly music is tough work so when this guitar-slinger tells you to “churn that butter honey” he ain't talking about the Amish.
"Porno for Pyros"Porno for Pyros
Masturbation Inspiration: Fire
Wanking Words: “I took off my clothes and came four times, could not leave myself alone…”
I wonder if people who are turned on by flame and smoke masturbate by rubbing two hands together like they’re trying to start a fire with a spindle stick?
"King of Magazines"Danko Jones
Masturbation Inspiration: The type of girl that don’t care at all
Wanking Words: “Shake your tail feathers show what you got, centerfold or not we know she’s hot…”
Before becoming the King of the Road with his relentlessly touring rock band, a young DJ worked in a porn shop and this is an ode to one of his favorite adult entertainers. Personally, I never do it with a magazine. The guy at the newsstand always gets pissed off.
Masturbation Inspiration: Chasing the blues away
Wanking Words: “But when I get home tonight, Lord I guess I got to shake myself…”
Originally written by Fleetwood Mac but perfected by Tyler, Perry & the boys. You know your masturbation song is good when someone else covers it. A groin-grabbing gem.
"Muscle of Love"Alice Cooper
Masturbation Inspiration: Dad’s books
Wanking Words: “Lock the door in the bathroom now, I just can’t get caught in here…”
The lyric above always reminds me of the scene in Fast Times at Ridgemont High when Judge Reinhold is fantasizing about Phoebe Cates and gets caught hitchhiking to the moon. “Jeez, doesn’t anyone f---ing knock anymore?”
"No Bone Movies"Ozzy Osbourne
Masturbation Inspiration: A blue addiction, smut, bodge
Wanking Words: “Voyeur straining in love with his hand, a poison passion, a pulsating gland…”
This is a song about a guy who can’t stop masturbating to porn. You know, there’s a word for people like that…normal.