Five Finger Death Punch vocalist Ivan Moody has broken his silence about his rehabilitation from alcohol issues. In an interview with WZOR 94.7, Moody speaks about suffering alcohol-related seizures, being 90 days sober, his onstage breakdown where he quit FFDP and more.

This interview shows Moody at his most honest and open. Sharing the intimate details of his recovery, Ivan spoke about a seizure he suffered, waking up alongside EMTs while his daughter held him and cried. Moody claims he has not relapsed since, but continues to seek help in treatment facilities. Moody also says he has a sponsor in a 65-year-old metal icon.

“When I was drunk, I knew how my life was gonna end. I planned on it. I was not gonna wake up one day or go into seizure and die,” says Moody. “It’s just I was comfortable because I knew what was gonna happen. And now being sober, I don’t know how I’m gonna go and that’s a scary fucking thing. And I’ve met a lot of addicts that feel the same way.”

He continues, “I knew I was done during my detox. It took me seven and a half days just to detox. I couldn’t walk, I couldn’t go to the bathroom by myself, I couldn’t smoke a cigarette. I had a staff member actually sleep in the room with me for the first 38 hours just to make sure I didn’t go under. I blew a .36 when I went in, which anyone who knows anything knows means that was basically death. And I didn’t want to come out of it. I woke up the next day and I pissed that I was still alive.”

“I just don’t want my legacy to be [dying from substance abuse],” Moody implores. “Chester [Bennington] and Chris [Cornell] and Scott [Weiland] and Layne [Staley], Lynn [Strait]—Lynn was like my older brother from Snot. All these guys are forgotten. You hear ’em on the radio… I listen to a Linkin Park song now and I can hear him crying for help.”

Moody also claims he was sober, though hung over, when he infamously quit FFDP onstage in the Netherlands last year. “So I threw the mic down, I walked offstage, promoter came out and told us if we didn’t finish part of the set that we were gonna get sued. That’s the way this shit works,” the singer recalls. “The next day I woke up to Jason, Zoltan, Jeremy, my bodyguard at the time who is now gone and a couple other people, crew wise. They all got up there and surrounded me, woke me up and told me I was going home … The guys looked at me and said, ‘Dude if you don’t do something about this, you’re gonna die. There’s no ifs, ands or buts anymore, you’re waking up, you’re not taking this seriously. You have such power out there and you’re wasting it.’”

The FFDP singer also addressed hearing the news that Bad WolvesTommy Vext was filling in on vocals for the remainder of Five Finger Death Punch’s tour. “I was insulted dude, I fucking broke down a hundred times. Tears. Dude I took golf clubs to my fucking walls, I was a mess. I went to a bar just to get into a fistfight with a dude twice my size. Just to do it. I fucking whooped his ass. Straight up … If the guys would’ve just canceled the tour and not gone on with Tommy, we would’ve been sued for millions of dollars. The promoters would’ve never played us again. The radio stations, the media, in general, would have fucked us in the ass. It would have all been my fault. So I am really proud of Tommy for taking on those shoes. He did a good job, he did alright.”

After heading back on what Ivan calls a “probationary tour” with FFDP, the band was in good spirits after they completed the run without issue. “I started getting phone calls like, ‘You did great, let’s try this again, the new album is finally finished, let’s get out there and show them that there’s a different side of you.’ And I was so overwhelmed with the love I got from my boys, from my bandmates.” [via The PRP]

Five Finger Death Punch’s And Justice For None album will hit shelves May 18.

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